Ninja-son

I just finished watching the Friday the 13th remake. This movie was amazing. My wife asked me what I was watching and my response was "The new Friday the 13th. It's awful." But even with that realization, I kept watching... and watching.

So Jason is back and still terrorizing kids who want nothing more than to smoke weed, play beer pong, get drunk, have sex (more on that in a minute), and take douche to a new level. The plot revolves around Clay who is searching for his sister who disappeared while camping near Crystal Lake. Unbeknownst to him, his sister (Whitney) is being held hostage by Jason because she kind of looks like Jason's beloved mother. In his travels Clay is introduced to a troupe of rich douchebags heading out to daddy's lake house. You can pretty much guess the rest of the story. Almost everyone dies and almost all the girls have a boob shot. Regardless of the carnage and nudity, I have three grievances with this cinematic epic.

1. The locals. During his door-to-door campaign of finding his sister, Clay meets an old lady who tells him his sister is dead. She says when people go missing around Crystal Lake, they are never found again. She goes on to say that "He just wants to be left alone, like the rest of us." The next local is a tow truck driver who tries to help one of the douchebags get away, but when he sees Jason he drives off. To the locals, Jason is like a pesky neighborhood dog. Just don't bother him, let him kill hormone-addled teens, and all will be good.

2. The boobs. Aside from seeing a set of implants within the first five minutes, then watching a girl wakeboard topless, there is only one other scene where the bra comes off and that scene tries to ruin boobs for everyone. As assumed, a hot girl is drunk and drags king douchbag into a bedroom where they immediately begin a chivalrous round of foreplay. Once that five seconds is out of the way, Bree (SFW photo here, NSFW phot here) drops the bra and is greeted with the best line in cinematic history. King douche, Trent, tells her "Oh wow! Your tits are stupendous!" But wait, it gets better. He goes on to say "You have perfect nipple placement." What is the criteria for nipple placement? I'd like to know if I have perfect nipple placement as well, but I'm not sure where I can go to get this documented. To top off the entire almost-porn scene, Trent calls Bree "dude" before they both finish up. Who are these script writers? I'm looking for a job and I think I can put one word after another. I think I may even be able to do it better, dude.

3. The ninja. Jason has become an expert in everything. He can move quickly and silently through dense forest. He can climb up to the roof with no problem. He can get from the tool shed to the house in under two seconds without a sound. He can appear in an empty room (always behind you) without you knowing. He can hit you with an ax from 50 feet away while you are running. He can shoot an arrow through your eye from 200 yards away while you are driving a speed boat in the middle of the lake. So this begs the question, what martial arts program is he enrolled in? He is the best ninja I've ever seen. He's missing the katana sword and nunchucks, but other than that he is ready to battle Jackie Chan in Rush Hour 11.

The rest of the movie is filled with dips in the retard pool as well, but those were the big three that I can't shake.

Here's a quick breakdown of everything else wrong with this movie, but not wrong enough to warrant its own section:

1. When did Jason become a miner? He has some serious tunneling skills with the network he's built under Camp Crystal Lake.

2. With Whitney as his prisoner, what did he feed her? Where is his bathroom?

3. After calling the police at the lakehouse and reporting MULTIPLE MURDERS with a pyscho on the loose, the police send one guy to take care of it. Really Crystal Lake Police Dept?! One guy?!

4. After rescuing Whitney, Clay is trying to help her escape through Jason's underground labyrinth. They pop out of one tunnel into an overturned bus. Clay gets out only to be greeted by silent ninja Jason who promptly slams Clay's face through two bus windows leaving him unconscious. But within a couple minutes he's back up and running with ONE scratch on his face. Clay must be a ninja too!

All in all, if you're looking for a softcore porn that has intermittent killings in it, this will be right up your tunnel.